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you are the light that casts a shadow

by miscellaneous owl

/
1.
Streaks 03:51
I wish I knew how to write a jazz song Something you would have liked I thought this would be easier to write I thought that grief would tear it out of me But grief lingers with surprisingly gentle fingers Too weak and soft to cut the comet from its packaging I had a dream about you the other night I was on my way to meet you All the westbound trains were running late You said you had to go, you couldn't wait You hung up the phone and suddenly I was awake And I know it's been 826 days Since the last time that I saw your face You'd be proud of me, I'm keeping up my streak Because I wanted to speak fluently the next time that I came to Barcelona And I know it's been 826 days Since the last time that I saw your face You'd be proud of me, I'm keeping up my streak Because I wanted to speak fluently the next time that I came to Barcelona It's weird to think that 18 years is the longest I'll ever have known you I still see your ghost appear in mailing lists and aliases Streaks upon the window glass that don't get cleaned away The night we left the restaurant, I turned round to wave And suddenly you were gone
2.
Scallops 02:22
Babe, what a time to be born into this world The cities are sinking and the walls are tumbling down into the sea But I'm glad to see you You see, the world's been waiting to sing you to sleep The willows stop weeping and the wind forgets to breathe So you can dream, little bean I wish you the blessings of the dandelions sighing to the clouds And the candy wrappers lying on the ground And the pigeons in their silken ascot ties And the scallops in the ocean with their pale blue eyes Babe, may everything around you keep you safe I wish you the blessings of the ducks out on the lake And the frogs and snakes and all their babies I wish you the blessings of the electric lines running overhead And the tabby cats curled up in their beds And the puddles that shimmer in the rain And the city bus that's always running late And the Christmas trees with all their shining lights And the scallops in the ocean with their pale blue eyes And the scallops in the ocean with their pale blue eyes
3.
In her helmet, the first cosmonaut dreams of rabbits, And of bacon, and of sunlight on the floor Laika, little lemon, little bug, they adored you They'll mourn for you Even as they're closing the capsule door Love means so many things That's what we tell ourselves Doing what is necessary Giving thanks for the dead canary Love means so many things (Still believing that it's love) Love means so many things I choose a cage and lift the mice into a plastic box Feeling like I'm the only one holding a gun on the firing squad Prey test with a trail cam, I'm picking the sacrificial lambs In the dark, I kneel and let them go, And as I leave, I see the owl swoop low Love means so many things That's what we tell ourselves Doing what is necessary Giving thanks for the dead canary Love means so many things (Still believing that it's love) Love means so many things And oh, I got into the car and drove away Just like I promised that I never would And oh, I wanted to make it a proper ending With a photograph and everyone pretending to feel good Love means so many things That's what we tell ourselves Doing what is necessary Giving thanks for the dead canary Love means so many things (Still believing that it's love) Love means so many things (Still believing that it's love) Love means so many things Love means so many things
4.
Cake 03:33
I'm not beautiful I'm not as cool as the other girls I can't sing like them I'm not thin like them Everything I've said about loving myself is a lie I can't even look myself in the eye Everyone knows that I'm borrowing somebody else's life for a while I'm just pretending I don't know why I do this anymore I'm walking along a path I've walked before Arm in arm with the ghosts of the people I've been before Everyone knows that I'm borrowing somebody else's life for a while I'm just pretending
5.
Taking the train home, thinking about our kiss Like an animal, the telephone buzzes and butts against my hip I wrote your name on the back of my hand Because I thought you were leaving I dreamed I was filling the Trevi Fountain with blood Down the long corridor pouring paint on the floor and then waiting for the paint to dry I am stranded in the city in the clouds Slow minutes drift by Thought you were a fling But I'm discovering I can't live without you If I were a king, I'd be ordering them to put your favorite show back on the air I want to see you laughing out loud You turn my figures to ground Everything's scenery now You are the light in the scene that casts a shadow In the bright gallery stabbing secrets to death with a pin I see the skull beneath the skin Time's the enemy, but death doesn't faze me I'm waiting for your mouth to save me I want to see you laughing out loud You turn my figures to ground Everything's scenery now You are the light in the scene that casts a shadow You are the light that casts a shadow You are the light that casts a shadow You are the light that casts a shadow You are the light that casts a shadow
6.
Six o'clock and the subway is filled with faces in a faceless crowd And the beautiful thing about the subway is being nameless Nobody speaks your name out loud Wasted hours flutter past And get crushed upon the tracks Nobody around here seems to laugh Like a sea of photographs I remember when this city was smaller and weirder and wild They always say you can't go back again (Leaves are flying) But here I am wishing for the past again (In the silence) Walking the streets of my old city like a stranger (While the wind blows) And everything around me smells of weariness and danger (Does the wind know?) Dead mall beside the freeway where we used to go Dead mall in the heart of downtown San Francisco Goodbye, Westfield And now the city is full of cities full of tents It's intense and invisible and sad What were the dreams that we had? You'll have to remind me I remember when our futures were bigger and weirder and wild They always say you can't go back again (Leaves are flying) But here I am wishing for the past again (In the silence) Walking the streets of my old city like a stranger (While the wind blows) And everything around me smells of loveliness and danger (Does the wind know?)
7.
Millefiori 02:44
Everything was going well Biblically accurate angels appeared overhead Their eyelash extensions slashing the clouds bloody red And she said, babe, Do you love me? Do you love me? Everything was going well The ram and the serpent were trampling the city to dust The glass and the concrete mixing with flowers and rust And she said, babe, Do you love me? Do you love me? And she said, babe, Do you love me? Do you love me? And she said, babe, Do you love me? Do you love me?
8.
jamie's halo 02:40
Jamie's got a halo and I don't even know why That's the way it has to be, she's the queen, she's the leader of the colony Pinky swear with blood, no words, just love, and a bottle of wine Best friends she said it in the end, we'll be Golden Girls together till we die She's got a ticket for the sun, going nowhere, going home She's got a ticket for the stars So let's put it all away, forever and a day, say that we'll never change, you'll always be my best friend Dandelion clocks, embroidery floss, unbreakable chains, hair and makeup We're blocking out the scene of Jamie and me talking about how things are changing I memorized the lines, but I didn't rehearse, but Jamie is worse, so many wrong words Still we're stumbling through to get to the ending She's got a ticket for the sun, going nowhere, going home She's got a ticket for the stars So let's put it all away, forever and a day, say that we'll never change, you'll always be my best friend Ooh She's got a ticket for the sun, going nowhere, going home She's got a ticket for the stars So let's put it all away, forever and a day, say that we'll never change, you'll always be my best friend So let's put it all away, forever and a day, say that we'll never change, you'll always be my best friend
9.
Red Red bird in the branches Sing to your lover Sing back the sun Northern cardinal High in the limbs of the old bur oak tree Scarlet tanager Sing for the spring and the sun returning Sing for the spring and the sun returning Sing for the spring and the sun returning I lay back on the stone And let your axe split me open Along the grain like cordwood I am a crystal I am an ocean I am a canyon I am a stone Red feathers Strewn on the sidewalk I am a serpent I am the sun Northern cardinal High in the limbs of the old bur oak tree Scarlet tanager Sing for the spring and the sun returning Northern cardinal High in the limbs of the old bur oak tree Scarlet tanager Sing for the spring and the sun returning Sing for the spring and the sun returning Sing for the spring and the sun returning
10.
Nothing's wrong I'm just asleep on my feet Picking my way through the holes between the hours Taking care of myself Wash my hair, brush my teeth Monday night Time to put the piece in play Picking up my keys again Making rounds in the world of men Now I'm lying on the mat under a plywood sky The room feels dark and so do I Constructive rest Pushing the boulder from my chest I'm driving to the drugstore in the bitter dusk Buying mascara and magnesium Needing something new just to feel something The doctor nods and smiles But then I see in his notes He says that I'm denying it But that's not what I said at all Automatic writing with a monkey's paw Serotonin dropping from the vending machine claw What if the world but too much? What if myself but not enough? Maybe I just need to spend more time away from screens More gratitude More vitamin D Monday night Time to put the piece in play Picking up my keys again Making rounds in the world of men Now I'm lying on the mat under a plywood sky The room feels dark and so do I Constructive rest Pushing the boulder from my chest I'm driving to the drugstore in the bitter dusk Buying mascara and magnesium Needing something new just to feel something
11.
It's been a hard year I'm losing count of the friends that I lost Didn't have time between To go and dry clean my designated funeral dress (Yeah, I've got a designated funeral dress now) Still don't know how to say goodbye Thinking "I love you" Then swallowing the words a thousand times When I say, "So what is art for anyway?" What I mean is I'd like to go down into the heart of the dark machine That promises I'll never have to feel this way again There's a hole in Roscoe Park in the shape of a rat Just going about its business one day when it got squashed flat In class, I carve the mold away into an empty animal shape In the negative space, the deepest holes rise up to form a face Still don't know how to say goodbye Thinking "I love you" Then swallowing the words a thousand times When I say, "So what is art for anyway?" What I mean is I'd like to go down into the heart of the dark machine That promises I'll never have to feel this way again It was Jen's birthday today and I watched the moon rise over the lake Thinking about holes, thinking about failure If I could only time travel, I could go back and save her Or at least go back and say: I love you, goodbye, and I'll see you later Still don't know how to say goodbye Thinking "I love you" Then swallowing the words a thousand times When I say, "So what is art for anyway?" What I mean is I'd like to go down into the heart of the dark machine That promises I'll never have to feel this way again Promises I'll never have to feel this way again Promises I'll never have to feel this way again
12.
Honey-Eater 04:02
The problem with time is that it's always happening. I mean, I say that's the problem but that's also the great thing about it. You actually never really die. You're a change in texture. You appear for a while, you go offstage, Maybe you reappear. Because the whole thing is kind of circular. Like the circular towel in a gas station bathroom. It's all very Jeremy Bearimy. But the question is: who is the one on the outside looking at that circle or that bear? Whatever it is that goes loping by So that you only catch a glimpse of it in the corner of your eye (Sole oscuro Fuoco, fumo Ho paura Niente durerà) Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita mi ritrovai per una selva oscura, ché la diritta via era smarrita. So in a lot of Slavic languages, the word for bear means "honey-eater" And our own word for bear means "the brown one." They didn't ever want to call the bear by its real name, in case it heard them, and came. Imagine being a salmon and seeing a bear. Just this big shadow looming over the surface of the water. Everything rippling. It's too big to even figure out how close or far it is. It could be the shadow of a cloud. And then this big paw breaks the surface of the water. Massive claws. And just comes right down at you. Just imagine that moment. It's got to be weird. Keep in mind that at that point, the salmon are feeling pretty fucked up. When they start to spawn, they completely change shape. They grow a hump. Their jaw changes. They grow fangs. They change color. They stop eating. They just stop eating for the rest of their lives. And they start swimming, and that's usually when the bears come, because when the salmon are spawning, the rivers are full of them, Hundreds of salmon. Thousands of salmon Splashing and struggling towards where they were born, slash, where they're going to die. The alpha and the omega. What do you think it feels like to be God? Like, imagine you're that being sitting on the outside, pulling the gas station bathroom towel down, watching it loop again and again. Watching the same little stains go by over and over again, like old friends. Did you know that every record ends with a locked groove to keep the needle from going off the edge? Sometimes it's silent, there's nothing on it. We don't even think about it when that happens. And sometimes it's a loop. Those are the ones we notice. Like that weird thing at the end of "A Day in the Life" Where they just keep on repeating "Never could see any other way" "Never could see any other way" "Never could see any other way" Everything just keeps going and going. I really miss him sometimes.

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written and recorded in February 2024 for February Album Writing Month

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released March 1, 2024

vocals, writing, instruments, production: Huan-Hua Chye

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miscellaneous owl Madison, Wisconsin

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