maybe i can be as light as air

by miscellaneous owl

/
1.
If I cease to exist, The sun and the moon will go on Without me If I cease to exist The rivers will go on rising and falling like the chests Of the people still sleeping and waking and taking their breaths Without me If I cease to exist The city will go on with all its passions and vanities Fill the handprint I've left behind with cars and trees The ivy will cover the holes with its ravenous leaves Without me If I cease to exist My friends may sing a requiem My family may sing it again and again Mourning the people I could have been But the days will smooth the pain away again Without me Without me If I cease to exist One Sunday afternoon long after I'm dead My husband will vacuum the dust from behind the bed And find the roller all tangled with hair that fell from my head And find the sun going cold and still and the air growing thin And feel the world and all its intricate parts lurching to an end Without me Without me Without me Without me
2.
Magic Eye 03:33
You paint a pretty little picture Self-portrait of the hero dressed in white I ask myself the question: Paint inside or read between the lines? I bought a magic eye book All flowers and hearts and candy Held it up like a window to take a look Tried to see the secrets inside and I look through, the picture fades, and all I see is you Doing the things you said you'd never do Magic eye, I see right through the lies you've told me each and every day The snake inside the sea of flowers, the skull inside the rainbow colors, The sailboat that only sails away Farther each day Until it all melts away Cross my heart and cross my eyes, dear You ask what I'm so cross about I'm cross at all those lies, dear Did you think I was too dumb to find out? Looking at that glass half empty The picture is rippled with tears and stains When I try to look through the window The glass is clear but all I see is pane And then my eyes are clear and all I see is you Doing the things you said you'd never do Magic eye, I see right through the lies you've told me each and every day The snake inside the sea of flowers, the skull inside the rainbow colors, The sailboat that only sails away Farther each day Until it all melts away
3.
Walk Steady 02:02
If I walk steady down that road And keep my face turned down If I pull my silence round my neck and keep my eyes on the ground Then maybe I can pass right through the words that stick like burrs onto me Maybe I can be as light as air If my clothes were bigger, like a mountain Maybe I could transform Like a caterpillar wrapping up To be reborn Dirty pillows, bedroom eyes, I'm tired of my life inside This body, wish that I could hide away Sibyl jarred like a firefly, just her voice that's left behind, saying, please let me die Mission Street, coming up the steps from BART, I see them wait for me Clustered like a pack of wolves along Sixteenth It's worse though if I change my path, so I just keep Going like a train along a track Don't look back Walk steady I take the 38 down Geary And get a window seat Alone for a little while on my way To Ocean Beach Riding off into the Sunset without a thought, like the lucky ones that live invisible and light as air I just want to pass right through the filthy words that stick onto me Maybe I can be as light as air
4.
I could have been all heat and light Phosphorus streak against the night A brightness inside your ears Tunguska flare, a meteor Oh, tell me your name I want to move inside you You are the glow I could have been Face of the moon that's hiding I want to move inside you I want to move inside you Break all the bones inside you I could have been a cactus flower Night-blooming cereus, perfect for an hour Whenever I start, it's just not soon enough I'm just not good enough I'll never be Oh, tell me your name I want to move inside you You are the glow I could have been Face of the moon that's hiding I want to move inside you I want to move inside you Break all the bones inside you I dreamed of Amsterdam again I was rising up like in the Powers of 10 When I dream that I might fall Is it a dream about playing guitar? And if I've lost you If the frost blooms If your ghost melts away I'll play For the heat death of the universe It's not too late
5.
Cuban Heels 02:37
If the Cuban heels stay on my feet I'll be dancing If the Goodyear welt is strong and neat I'll be dancing I'll be dancing Cordovan city mocs Triple stitched Veg tan vitello boots Break them in Cut the groove, skive the shank and holdfast The shoe makes the man makes the right shoe last
6.
Cold Hands 02:29
I hear the boots upon the ground tonight The rose upon the cheek of the libertine And all the lost boys will be found tonight Tasting whiskey cokes and kerosene Cold hands cradle the flame of my memories Do you see the flicker of your name? And in the lamplight in the snow tonight The flexing of a glove outlined in black Hollow fingers like a new hand for a hermit crab Cloud City was pretty but I'm never going back Cold hands reach for a glove to slip into To listen to, to illuminate, to love And I've just been wasting time I could have been in some field so far from here With the sun burning on my shoulders And someone breathing summer in my ear I hear the lapping of the wolf tonight Incinerator glow in a highball glass Canned Heat flutes the air in the bar like a manticore I hate it but I know all things must pass Cold hands strike cold like the little match girl Matchmaker, will the tinder spark to life?
7.
Even if I can't play like a Guitar Center masturbator Yeah I still know the name of a resonator "There's this thing called 'tone,' maybe you've heard it mentioned?" Yeah I don't need that tone from you and I don't need your condescension! I JUST WANT TO BUY SOME FUCKING STRINGS I'm not waiting for my man I'm not waiting for a boyfriend Twenty-six dollars in my hand That I'm just trying to spend If you could just treat me like a human If you could just, you could just, you could just Maybe I'm a patron but you don't need to patronize me "Oh, tell me, do you play guitar? Oh, do you know some chords already? This is called a 'pedal' and this is called an 'amp'" Would you still say that to me if I was a man? Would you still say that to me? I'm not waiting for my man I'm not waiting for a boyfriend Twenty-six dollars in my hand That I'm just trying to spend If you could just treat me like a human If you could just fucking stop I'm not waiting for my man I'm not waiting for a boyfriend Twenty-six dollars in my hand That I'm just trying to spend If you could just treat me like a human If you could just, you could just, you could just... "What do you play, Sweet Child O'Mine or Postal Service?" The only two music genres that exist in the world, I guess Is this what they teach you in your training about how to sell? Can I just browse in here without having to prove myself? Can I not just fucking shop in peace? I'm not waiting for my man I'm not waiting for a boyfriend Twenty-six dollars in my hand That I'm just trying to spend If you could just treat me like a human If you could just, you could just, you could just, you could just... STOP
8.
Gods that come in golden showers Through the rooftop, down the wires Lit like a lamp by the laptop's glow Exploding with light like The Pleasure Principle They turn to see you They know your name Your dark center Your shining shame You must change your life Headless torso of a hairless man Filling up my screen again It's true, you know it when you see it Nothing left to the imagination But the head that's hovering above the frame Those eyes, are they fixed upon your face? I could be happy if I found someone Who looks at me like I'm better than I am My favorite monster looks like loneliness And loneliness looks just like a man Like a man Like a man Hard to tell the difference between a god and a monster Or if the woman in the video actually wants it If holy just describes a bunch of holes, a hollow A swan or a bull or a TV repairman Knocking at the door, coming on in Shining like gilt, like a statue of Apollo And I could be happy if I found someone Who looks at me like I'm better than I am My favorite monster looks like loneliness And loneliness looks just like a man Like a man Like a man A smile runs from hip to thigh Says like Shakira, hips don't lie The girl gets down on her knees as though to pray They're beautiful, all of them The faceless women and the headless men It seems so real, why can't I touch it? And I could be happy if I found someone Who looks at me like I'm better than I am My favorite monster looks like loneliness And loneliness looks just like a man Like a man Like a man You must change your life
9.
February falls into the slot we've made, a Roman II, a Chinese New Year And all the time is lost again, a vanishing pen writes resolutions Look out the window, wait for the moon to rise, wait for the falling snow The bands abandoned, the plans we stole, we're all going solo A photo of a rainbow against the wet gray sky above the house where I used to live The old year's dog jumping against the sleeping new year's pig I think my mother was crying, my sister's hiding the address of her new home So the envelopes have no words, they're just crimson red, with the edges all ringed in gold In gold Wait, the sleet strikes the pavement With the sound of far-off applause The train's at the station While the microphone falls The month pulls in its claws And sits in the window to wait So hold me, the snow is falling Our bodies will carve the cold like lightning Elliott sings Miss Misery like the winter descending into my ear Like the last thing that I'll ever hear Words in an aviary, learned by ear, learned by sensation Mysterious as kiwi birds, as deep sea beasts, as radio waves, and When I was a child I thought that happiness meant to fall so fast But now time tumbles and seesaws down out from my grasp And I want it to last Wait, the sleet strikes the pavement With the sound of far-off applause The train's at the station While the microphone falls The month pulls in its claws And sits in the window to wait So hold me, the snow is falling Our bodies will carve the cold like lightning Elliott sings Miss Misery like the winter descending into my ear Like the last thing that I'll ever hear I count it in three So hold me, the snow is falling Our bodies will carve the cold like lightning Elliott sings Miss Misery like the winter descending into my ear Like the last thing that I'll ever hear I count it in three
10.
Margaret said I'm a sleepwalker, but a slow talker With so much to say I'll sleep when I'm dead I'm a day drinker and a slow thinker With some things to get straight Is it all in my head? Ooh, is it all in my head? Ooh, is it all in my head? Margaret said Do I belong here? I feel so wrong here, A Peg that's always too square All these faces I know Could they be best friends, are they just dead ends? Red herrings or Chekhov's gun? Is there anyone there? Ooh, is there anyone there? Ooh, is there anyone there? Tell me what you're thinking when you look out that window Why are you so sad and far away? Happiness is just another thing to owe somebody A smile's just another thing they can take And I want to save them For a rainy day For someone who really needs them I'll know it when I see them And she turns to me and smiles Yeah, have this for a while Maybe you could use it more than me Ooh, Margaret said Ooh, Margaret said Ooh, Margaret said Ooh, that's what Margaret said
11.
Desiderata 03:44
I want to dream like dogs dream I want my love to be pure I want to love like dogs love I want my dreams to be pure And if I and my body should close Like the fifth place in a row On the corner of East Wash and Blair Like the heart of a rose That imagines the snow Descending carefully everywhere Desiderata No less than the stars and the trees Desiderata You have a right to be here You, too, are a child of the universe The shape of your life makes it whole Though the shape of your life feels so small And the pain doesn't seem it could ever fade away You deserve to be here You deserve to stay Desiderata Imagine the astronaut cut from his line Hand slipping from yours as he floats into time And the farther he gets, the more cruel looks like kind It all matters less The colder he gets The closer he gets to nothing and everywhere I love you In the darkness between the stars I can't talk to you It feels like breathing's just gotten so hard I, too, am a child of the universe The shape of my life makes it whole Though the shape of my life feels so small And the pain doesn't seem it could ever fade away Do I deserve to be here Do you want me to stay Desiderata Desiderata

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11 tracks written for February Album Writing Month (FAWM) 2019 (14 songs in 28 days)

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released March 5, 2019

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miscellaneous owl Madison, Wisconsin

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